[Alright, he's just gotta dig deep and think of a flaw. Even a little one. Something like - wait, no, he's got it ] If your massive dick didn't bogart all the blood that's meant to go go your brain you would've asked me to kiss you six years ago.
why would I suck on that when I could suck your dick and show you what we could've been doing this whole time if you had ever bothered to notice that the offer was always on the table
I've said "bro, let's kiss," like ten fucking times now and you're still standing around with your dick in your hand talking about how squeezable your tits are? While NOT standing in front of me so I can see for myself?? Do you even want to kiss, man???
[Cue a thumbs up emoji, a merman emoji, and inexplicably the jack-o'-lantern emoji - followed by a familiar knock on the front door. You'd think by now he'd know to just let himself in, but here we are.]
[Actually, those America-themed pajamas are being worn by one Christopher Smith, ergo they cannot be dumb.]
Well I didn't wanna just barge in. What if you were crying or had your dick out?
[He pauses, glancing briefly at the ceiling as an addendum occurs to him. He looks back to Chris, pointing his index at one invisible point then another.]
And-slash-or had your dick out.
[Look, he loves Chris but nobody wants to walk in on their BFF crying and beating off.]
[Okay so Adrian definitely didn't mean to offend, and while he is sorry about that, he doesn't appreciate being yelled at for trying to be polite!]
Well excuse me for being considerate! With how often you jerk off and have emotions it's not unreasonable to assume there might be some overlap at some point.
[Like, statistically he's pretty sure there's at least a low-positive correlation.]
How often do you think I jerk off?? Have you been counting??
( And how would that even be possible?? )
God, Jesus, okay, just get in here before this gets any weirder.
( He grabs him by the arm and yanks him in before this conversation can delve any deeper. He doesn't need his neighbors to know his wank patterns. It's bad enough that Waller knows. )
It kind of really does. And you'd probably do great in that direction, you've got the drive already and the feel for all of it to get through the track in one piece. I mean, maybe you even could? Maybe an online option with flexible accommodations considering your everything. Who knows. World's off the rails enough that even academia can unbend a little bit.
[ God. A man can dream. ]
Then you could be the one doing the explaining and me the listening.
Bruce- if you don't want it, if it's not your thing, that's totally fine! It's not like a signed first edition, or anything- it's a battered paperback I got for 50p from the used bookshop after I dropped my last copy in the Thames.
Or you can just borrow it, instead- I know you travel light, if that's the problem.
[He just- wants to give Bruce something. And Steven's never really had anyone to give things too- but he has a home base, his little library, and Bruce- doesn't. He thinks. Bruce just travels about, doesn't he?]
[ They're a little more aware of each other than they'd been at the start but there's a lot left that Bruce knows he hasn't gone into detail on. Like the reality that any material possession is only going to last so long until the next time he wakes up on the other side of whatever continent he's on with nothing but a ragged pair of pants. Sometimes not even that. Marie Kondo philosophy down the barrel of a gun. ]
I know it's not some mint condition copy with the errata on page 79 but it'd still be from you which is just as special. So losing that would suck. A lot.
[ He could and would argue the ways that he is, in fact, stupid— and getting more so around Steven all the time, apparently —but thank god for a subject change. ]
I'll eat anything.
[ That is not an exaggeration. After a few brief dalliances with starvation and more than one meal scrounged out of a dumpster? Yeah. Pair that all with a hell of a metabolism, and Bruce's standards for edible are a little lower than most. ]
Cake sounds especially good. Do you know a good place for it?
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Roast me, motherfucker.
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[Alright, he's just gotta dig deep and think of a flaw. Even a little one. Something like - wait, no, he's got it ]
If your massive dick didn't bogart all the blood that's meant to go go your brain you would've asked me to kiss you six years ago.
[ 1 / 2 ]
[ 2 /2 ]
If you weren't so busy playing Dungeons and Dicklords, you'd know that you never needed a fucking invitation, Knob Gobbler.
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AND having nine toes makes you way fucking cooler than any of these ten toe having-ass bitches.
Suck on that.
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Plenty of bitches have slobbed on my knob. Like, plenty. I mean, really, I couldn’t even begin to tell you. A whole army’s worth, probably.
But I want us to KISS. Preferably with tongue. And preferably while I grab your flat-ass tits and think of Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction.
That’s non-negotiable.
Whenever I see nipples, I can’t help it. JT ripping off Janet Jackson’s top on live TV is just burned into my head.
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And jsyk my tits aren't flat dude I've been doing a FUCK ton of chest dips lately
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Pretty sure JT just wanted to see some titty.
And don't get me started on JB.
I'd rather talk about BJs.
I've said "bro, let's kiss," like ten fucking times now and you're still standing around with your dick in your hand talking about how squeezable your tits are? While NOT standing in front of me so I can see for myself?? Do you even want to kiss, man???
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You should really think about moving out of the boonies so you're more accessible for kissing-related purposes.
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Before I change my mind and make-out with the back of my hand instead.
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I don't have exact numbers but it's a lot!
Unless you promise you'll still kiss me when I'm a gross smear across the pavement I'm not going over 45
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Where do the lips go?
I'm not tryna fuck around and kiss your smushed up gallbladder.
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Besides I'm already here I just gotta pay the driver.
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Also read that Joe Biden is a lizard. And Superman has two dicks.
…
Get inside already. You’re gonna have me all side-tracked with lizard people.
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You know you could just come in, right? Knocking is for fucking losers.
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Actually, those America-themed pajamas are being worn by one Christopher Smith, ergo they cannot be dumb.]Well I didn't wanna just barge in. What if you were crying or had your dick out?
[He pauses, glancing briefly at the ceiling as an addendum occurs to him. He looks back to Chris, pointing his index at one invisible point then another.]
And-slash-or had your dick out.
[Look, he loves Chris but nobody wants to walk in on their BFF crying and beating off.]
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( Now that's offensive. Crying and wanking are two separate events. One usually comes immediately after the other, but never at the same time. )
Fuck you, dude. I just wanted to kiss a bro.
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Well excuse me for being considerate! With how often you jerk off and have emotions it's not unreasonable to assume there might be some overlap at some point.
[Like, statistically he's pretty sure there's at least a low-positive correlation.]
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( And how would that even be possible?? )
God, Jesus, okay, just get in here before this gets any weirder.
( He grabs him by the arm and yanks him in before this conversation can delve any deeper. He doesn't need his neighbors to know his wank patterns. It's bad enough that Waller knows. )
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How is it weird to know things about your best friend?
[Oop, and now with the yanking and such-]
Next you're gonna tell me it's weird that I know your favorite color or how much you spend each week on chips for Eagly.
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( /affectionate )
I don't know what color your underwear are each day of the week, man. At least tell me something weird and make it mutual.
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I mean, you definitely could know if we fooled around more.
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( Chris is a simple man. )
Oh, yeah? What color are they today?
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Do you really want to ask or do you wanna find out?
[Hint hint, motherfucker.]
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It kind of really does. And you'd probably do great in that direction, you've got the drive already and the feel for all of it to get through the track in one piece. I mean, maybe you even could? Maybe an online option with flexible accommodations considering your everything. Who knows. World's off the rails enough that even academia can unbend a little bit.
[ God. A man can dream. ]
Then you could be the one doing the explaining and me the listening.
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Not that I don't listen now. I feel like it's very clear that I definitely do listen regardless of doctoral status. I w
Never mind.
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[ Okay so it's a little bit more than just a book because it's Steven's book and Steven is getting to be really important and— ]
What if I lose it.
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Bruce- if you don't want it, if it's not your thing, that's totally fine! It's not like a signed first edition, or anything- it's a battered paperback I got for 50p from the used bookshop after I dropped my last copy in the Thames.
Or you can just borrow it, instead- I know you travel light, if that's the problem.
[He just- wants to give Bruce something. And Steven's never really had anyone to give things too- but he has a home base, his little library, and Bruce- doesn't. He thinks. Bruce just travels about, doesn't he?]
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[ They're a little more aware of each other than they'd been at the start but there's a lot left that Bruce knows he hasn't gone into detail on. Like the reality that any material possession is only going to last so long until the next time he wakes up on the other side of whatever continent he's on with nothing but a ragged pair of pants. Sometimes not even that. Marie Kondo philosophy down the barrel of a gun. ]
I know it's not some mint condition copy with the errata on page 79 but it'd still be from you which is just as special. So losing that would suck. A lot.
Sorry, I know it's stupid. Not the book, just me.
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No, it's all right, really. Not stupid at all. You can just borrow it, next time I see you.
I'll have to find something else for presents then. Not books. How d'you feel about cake?
[Vegan chocolate cake is JUST FINE and tastes VERY GOOD, don't believe Marc's lies.]
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I'll eat anything.
[ That is not an exaggeration. After a few brief dalliances with starvation and more than one meal scrounged out of a dumpster? Yeah. Pair that all with a hell of a metabolism, and Bruce's standards for edible are a little lower than most. ]
Cake sounds especially good. Do you know a good place for it?
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Yes, I am definitely going to try and angle for England next I'm in the hemisphere.
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But I dabble. It's 3am, you don't want to sleep, you're tired of reading... maybe you make some couscous, you know what I mean?
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I'm somewhat of a hazard once I get in the kitchen.