messnet | UN: Peacemaker

Yeah, Star Wars is great. I know there's some newer movies and things out, but. Yeah, like I said. Not a lot of time to take it in.

[ Is there hope for him?? Maybe! Nah. ]

You realize the majority of people don't get the option of doing that in real life though, right? And even the ones that do it now... Maybe they weren't always the way they are today so they used to be normal. But again it's— Different things have different immersions but it's down to escapism. People who cook get lost in the kitchen, people reading get lost in a book and get to relax for a while. Get away from the real stuff that's bothering them. Video games set in all kinds of places. It's all ways to broaden yourself and get out of your own head and find out new things, you know?

Yeah, Star Wars is cool as shit. I like— ( Naturally, he was going to mention the sexy slave scene with Leia in the two-piece, but this guy on the phone has already clocked him once for being too horny on main. He should probably tone it down for the doctor's sake. ) ...The big battle between Anakin and his master-trainer dude.

( Which isn't a lie. )

All right, Dungeon Master. Set it up. Gimme a totally cool scenario for my character to fucking slay.

My character is tall, ripped, barbarian dude. With a gun. Obviously.

That was pretty well done. The prequels get a lot of undeserved flack, but they were still solid installments. Return of the Jedi is still my favorite though, don't know if I'll ever find something to beat it.

[ Wow! Growth! (Though...yeah, can't lie, Carrie Fisher? Super hot.) ]

Hmm. [ Okay, this is definitely going to take some thought though he does point out— ] Guns and other ranged weapons are dependent on dexterity over brute strength, your character wouldn't be able to get your berserker rage damage tacked on. You'd be better off picking up a great-axe, or doing a different kind of build. [ Hm. ] I think you could also fit as a paladin if you wanted to change things up. Maybe a cleric but paladin might be a better start for you until you got used to the casting aspect.

...

Never mind, fuck this.

You made it too nerdy.

( He's too proud to say that he's confused, but you lost him. )

It's D&D, it wasn't ever going to not be nerdy.

[ But yeah, Bruce can read between the lines. ]

Okay. Characters are built around six basic stats, the two I'm talking about are strength and dexterity. Which— So, you've been to a carnival, right? With all the games and everything. Strength is being able to swing the mallet and hit it hard enough to hit that bell at the top. Dexterity is being able to throw the baseball accurately enough to knock over all the milk cans on the first try, or shooting every target at the duck hunt game. That make sense?

Yeah, it makes sense that I'm good at all the games. I'm proficient with every fucking weapon known to man, motherfucker. You think I can't knock over the milk cans AND shoot every target at the fucking duck hunt game?

( Actually, he'd probably prefer that before anything else. No one dies during duck hunt. No one gets hurt. )

...

You wanna find out?

I'll take you to the coolest goddamn fair in Evergreen. I'll win you all the prizes too, Doc.

I'm sure you can, but you're not always going to be able to do that in character, you know? The stats start out random and you have to pick stuff to focus on. You're not playing yourself, after all. And it's still not going to mean you can stack your rage damage when using a ranged, dex-based weapon because that's just the rules.

[ God, he could go for some funnel cake— Wait. No. ]

And I don't know where Evergreen is. [ It's probably not near Tibet. ] You're really sticking with "Doc", huh.

If I'm not gonna be myself, then who the hell am I gonna be? Am I gonna be you?

Am I gonna roleplay what it's like to get my head dunked in the toilet before magical, fantasy gym class? Only in this version, you'd probably be eaten by a fucking dragon. Because that's how nerds get handled old-style.

( Give him a second: )

...Yeah, I know, I did it again.

I don't know what it is about you, man. You're just so easy. HOW have you gone this long without getting picked on every day of your fucking life? It can't just be me. Something about your voice just screams 'walking target'.

Maybe it's because you aren't standing up for yourself. You ever think about that? You know, if you tell a bully off, light him on fire, and show all his friends how to break his wrist in four places, he'll probably think you're cool enough to leave you alone.

Edited 2022-04-29 23:50 (UTC)

[ That...was a whole journey right there and Bruce didn't even have to say anything. Chris just went off, bought his tickets, had the round-trip experience, and is now back with a tee shirt. Wow. ]

Honestly... No, it's not just you, though. Yeah, you've taken it farther faster than almost anybody else I've ever met which would be impressive if not for. You know.

[ If not for Chris being a top tier jackass with it. ]

Still. Somehow I doubt that arson is the answer to all my issues. [ A sigh. ] Violence just means more problems, Chris. It's never a real solution until everything else is out the window, even then you're still going to be stuck cleaning up afterwards.

...

( Chris is trying to work on being less violent, to unlearn the things his father taught him about the ways in which the world works. Clearly he's not doing a very good job at it. )

...All right, so we're fucking, badass paladins.

Where are we at? Are we in a castle or what?

[ He hasn't given up on the campaign idea, huh. That's at least some focus. Hmm. ]

No, I think for starting out... We're going to be in the town of Neverwinter, picking up a job from the Adventurers' Guild. A dwarf named Gundren Rockseeker needs caravan guards to oversee the delivery of goods to the mining town of Phandalin, where he and his brothers are embarking on an excavation. It's a couple of wagons with oxen, shouldn't take more than three days to travel.

Do you accept the job?

( It'd be clear to anyone with eyes that Chris is into this. D&D is nerdy and dumb and for losers, but he's got a good enough imagination, and everyone had a Skyrim phase at some point in their life. Becoming the Dragonborn for the sake of peace was fun. He closes his eyes. )

Yeah... Yeah, okay. I get it. So, I'm buff as shit from carrying around hit heavy-ass paladin broadsword. Obviously. And I don't give a shit about peace. 'Cause I'm an EVIL paladin. So I'm grab this fuckin' shrimp, lift him up in the air, and I say... Hey, Gunhead Rockhard. What's in it for me?—

Wait, are you the midget? 'Cause that changes things. If you're the midget, I'll only lift him a little bit off the ground. Not a whole lot.

Edited 2022-04-30 00:56 (UTC)

[ Sighing. Murder hobo is a common first time experience, Bruce has to let him ride it out a little bit. ]

I'm the dwarf in that I'm pulling double duty as narrator and player here, because you can't do a campaign with only one character. But my character is the half-elf in wizard robes next to you that's going to slowly push your arms down to lower Gundren down the rest of the way.

Said wizard is going to remind you that what's in it for us is money. Because he's hiring us, he will give us fifty gold pieces to split once we deliver the supplies where they need to go. That's our motivation.

50 gold? Is that a lot?

I'm still holding this dude 'til you answer me. He's not getting heavy or anything, though.

For beginner, level one characters like you? It's a pretty good reward for the easy work this is going to be. Split two ways, that's twenty-five apiece.

...See, this is also where I would have you roll for intimidation, but we kind of skipped the whole stats part of this so I can let it slide.

Can't we just kill him now and take all his money?

I'll roll for that. Hold on.

( Chris is gone a ridiculous amount of time, like there's two minutes of solid silence, and then Chris is back, accompanied by the sounds of a lighter and a deep inhale. )

...I think this roll is working out.

Because y-

[ Okay. He can take a minute to wait. Or more than a minute.

Where the hell is this guy and what is he doing?? ...Oh, please don't be looking at porn on the phone you're calling on, that would be so weird.

Wait, is that— Yes, there he is and that is d- Ah. ]

Not the kind of roll I was talking about. Like, not at all. Not knocking you for it but just saying.

And the money isn't the point, man, the job is just to start you off and then you discover other stuff on the way that leads to even greater items and loot and fame and fortune and all that.

You want a hit?

( There's a pause here like Chris might actually be offering the joint out to the phone. )

So, this might come as a surprise to you, but I'm kind of a hero in real life. So I think I'm gonna be the total opposite and be a villain in this game. Which means... yeah, I'll take him up on this job. Just so I can backstab him at the last second and turn on my team because I've got another secret mission going on. For evil.

Let's get going.

I can't smoke your blunt over the phone, Chris, that's not how this works.

[ Yeah, he can tell where the dump stat is for Chris. The man is not very wisdomous. ]

Are you now. [ However, can't tell if Chris is legit about the hero thing or not, though he wonders if maybe he's just...one of those weird guys who just picked up a mask after New York and decided to go nuts now that the top was blown off the weird-box. Who knows. Whatever, not his monkey nor his circus. ] But this is solid backstory idea, they have a few mechanics to flesh that out.

[ A beat. ]

...You know, if you want to do this properly, I can. If you have another person to play with? I can run this for you guys. Online, obviously, but. It's better with two or three people playing and the DM just handling story stuff.

Obviously.

You can just come over here and smoke with me.

( Wow, does this guy think he's stupid or something? He knows that phones aren't teleportation devices. Unless things really, really changed during his time in jail, the only thing that phones are capable of teleporting is sound. Which is a shame, really. Teleporting physical objects should be just as easy. )

I've got plenty of people. Like, a fuckload of friends.

Just come to Evergreen for a night. We'll make it a nerd-themed party.

Still don't know where Evergreen is. And you still don't know where I am.

Evergreen? That's in Washington.

Where are you?

Not Washington.

[ But not Tibet, either, so it's not... Unfeasible. He doesn't know if he wants to commit that much information, or commit that much to a future meet that may not happen. ]

America?

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