messnet | UN: Peacemaker

You think I should call him pretty instead? Isn't that fucking weird?

( It's weird if Adrian is a human, which he's not. It's totally normal to be Chris's Favorite Pretty Boy right now, though. Yes, it is. Yes, it is! )

Th-

[ This is such a leap of non-logic that it legitimately takes Bruce a moment to respond. ]

You realize that...those aren't the only two options? Because aside from the fact that there's way more qualities to people than "pretty" and "ugly", there's even a range between those two things. Most people aren't supermodels, and they aren't Quasimodo — they're in between.

The point is that even if your friend isn't, you know, conventionally attractive like. I don't know, Brad Pitt. [ Brad Pitt is still relevant, right?? Probably. Who knows. ] If you really think of him as your friend, you wouldn't talk about him— Well. Like a high school mean girl bullying him in the cafeteria.

Brad Pitt isn't hot.
He's got a lemondrop for a head.

A wh- Is that some kind of slang for....Whatever. Not important.

[ Carefully leading Chris back to topic. ]

Okay, but there's the whole rest of what I was saying about how you shouldn't be a jerk when talking about somebody you like to hang out with.

Oh, I know.

I'm fully self-aware and in control of my person at all times. Everything I do is totally fucking voluntary.

Including being an asshole.

That's... You get that that's worse, right? Like it wasn't great when I thought it was just obliviousness but this is way worse.

Most people choose to avoid assholes.

Yeah.

( Pause for some bubbles, a hiss of breath, and the sparks of a lighter. )

I know.

[ Ah. ]

Ah.

[ That......adds a definite perspective on this. He doesn't mention anything about the sounds even though, yeah, he definitely knows what that is (he was in various stages of college for like, over ten years, okay, he knows). There's just some sounds of puttering on the other end. ]

Then with that said, uh. [ How to put this. ] You're really not very good at it then, are you.

I want people to avoid me. If they get to know me, they'll probably hate me. So. Being an asshole. It makes people laugh and I don't have to go through the part where I gotta be honest with people.

( It's so nice to have someone to talk to. Someone that he'll never meet in real life and therefore will never have to face the repercussions of his admission. He could really hang up the phone and never speak to this person again. And that feels nice. )

What do I do?

You say you want that and you try to be that, but you also kind of. Pouted? When I said we shouldn't do a phone call. Not in any kind of condescending way, that is, just. It's the word that first popped up. And given two seconds, you're already being...very, very honest with me. Even with me being a random stranger potentially calling from Tibet, that's a lot. So that seems like a big difference between what you're saying you want and what you maybe really want.

[ Bruce squirms on this end because this is. He's never really been a big hand for talking, because most people have their own problems and don't need to hear his, and because it's just...not feasible with the way he has to live. But what he's hearing is— It hits a little close to home. The longer people know him, the better odds of disappointing people and letting them down and realizing what a piece of shit he is. So it makes sense, to keep things at a distance so he can only be useful when he needs to be as opposed to what he really is. A burden. A mistake. A fuck-up from cradle to grave except he can't even die properly, can he.

Wow, great thing that this conversation is about Chris, huh. ]

...And maybe being this concerned with people hating you means you aren't that hate-able? Bad people usually don't care that much.

Well, yeah. You could have been a hot chick with MASSIVE jugs. I’d be dumb as shit to pass up on talking to someone like that.

( Yes, it is a GREAT thing that Chris is running this show. )

I don’t mind that you’re not, though. You sound pretty cool.

[ He nearly, so very nearly asks how exactly Chris was supposed to hear "jugs" on a phone call without audio but.

Yeah, since Chris has laid out the playbook for him— ]

You're doing it again. The thing where you throw in some real jerk-off thing rather than address what I've said. [ A pause, then: ] Rereading the text conversation, I'm seeing it a lot now that it's there to be looked for.

You noticed?? What the fuck, are you actually a real doctor or something?

It's a force of habit, man. It's not really working because you're supposed to laugh, but you're not. Are you the kind of guy who's too cool to laugh even when the nerdy D&D kids are in the cafeteria are sticking popsicle sticks up their nose for your amusement?

Uh—

[ Chris's off-the-cuff bullshit catches him so off-guard that Bruce nearly blurts out "how did you know???" Thank god he froze and fumbled his phone instead; trying to catch it at least gives him the space to put his brain back on track and realize that no. This is just Chris making random words happen. Nothing more to it. Zero deeper meaning. He's fine. ]

N- I'm just detail-oriented. And I read a lot.

[ At least here he can use Chris's random segue-comments against him because holy shit, that's a topic he can latch onto. ]

No, I was the nerdy D&D kid in high school, but safe to say I literally never did that or saw anybody else do it. What the hell kind of school did you even go to.

You read a lot about people who are mean to people because they don't know how else to talk to them? That's weirdly specific, man. You gotta broaden your hobbies.

( Yeah, Chris doesn't know enough about doctors and degrees to catch Bruce in anything substantial, but he does mean it as a compliment. Bruce seems really good at picking people apart. Sort of like his father, but without exclusively targeting Chris's insecurities, fears, and regrets.

Chris likes this guy. He feels like home. )

You played D&D? Did you fuck imaginary bitches with your imaginary troll-elves?

No, that's. That would be a very weird niche of reading, I would think. Outside of psychology textbooks. [ Which! No thank you, sir! We don't need more introspective bullshit in this head! ] I meant in general, I read a lot so I read quickly. Like the text history.

[ Yeah, well, this guy feels like a migraine. (And yet Bruce still continues talking so really what does that say about him? That he does indeed need to broaden both his hobbies and his company, probably. At the very least that he needs to never answer random questions on the internet again. Leave that to Google and the professionals, clearly.) ]

And again, no. That's not the point of Dungeons and Dragons. Why does everything seem to come back to sex with you? [ A beat, then under his breath. ] Troll-elves aren't even a thing, c'mon, man.

Yeah? What else do you like to read? Not including the boring things, obviously.

( Meanwhile, Chris is having the time of his life. He's got his wolf by his side, a little weed, a little beer, AND he's actively making a new friend who seems like he actually enjoys talking to him. )

What's the point, then? If you're not boning bitches in a Viking helmet, it's sounding like a lost opportunity. ( Bruce can't hear him shrug. ) I dunno. Sex is cool.

I'm sorry you can't do it.

That's gotta fucking suck.

A lot of fantasy. Less science-fiction now than I used to. Don't really have time for either these days but.

[ Trading inaudible shrugs. ]

The point is... You know. Immersion. Pretending to be somebody else with awesome abilities, going on adventures and figuring out clues and discovering stuff. Building out a path with different choices to see how your character can react.

Because again, sex is... You know, I'm not knocking it, but it isn't the be-all, end-all. Maybe you could do with some broader hobbies, too.

You like Star Wars?

( Look at him, learning things!! )

Yeah, but you can do that in the real world. Me and my friends go on adventures all the time. Blowing shit up, finding clues, unearthing conspiracies. Doing it in a game isn't like the real thing. You gotta try doing it for real.

...Hobbies like D&D?

Yeah, Star Wars is great. I know there's some newer movies and things out, but. Yeah, like I said. Not a lot of time to take it in.

[ Is there hope for him?? Maybe! Nah. ]

You realize the majority of people don't get the option of doing that in real life though, right? And even the ones that do it now... Maybe they weren't always the way they are today so they used to be normal. But again it's— Different things have different immersions but it's down to escapism. People who cook get lost in the kitchen, people reading get lost in a book and get to relax for a while. Get away from the real stuff that's bothering them. Video games set in all kinds of places. It's all ways to broaden yourself and get out of your own head and find out new things, you know?

Yeah, Star Wars is cool as shit. I like— ( Naturally, he was going to mention the sexy slave scene with Leia in the two-piece, but this guy on the phone has already clocked him once for being too horny on main. He should probably tone it down for the doctor's sake. ) ...The big battle between Anakin and his master-trainer dude.

( Which isn't a lie. )

All right, Dungeon Master. Set it up. Gimme a totally cool scenario for my character to fucking slay.

My character is tall, ripped, barbarian dude. With a gun. Obviously.

That was pretty well done. The prequels get a lot of undeserved flack, but they were still solid installments. Return of the Jedi is still my favorite though, don't know if I'll ever find something to beat it.

[ Wow! Growth! (Though...yeah, can't lie, Carrie Fisher? Super hot.) ]

Hmm. [ Okay, this is definitely going to take some thought though he does point out— ] Guns and other ranged weapons are dependent on dexterity over brute strength, your character wouldn't be able to get your berserker rage damage tacked on. You'd be better off picking up a great-axe, or doing a different kind of build. [ Hm. ] I think you could also fit as a paladin if you wanted to change things up. Maybe a cleric but paladin might be a better start for you until you got used to the casting aspect.

...

Never mind, fuck this.

You made it too nerdy.

( He's too proud to say that he's confused, but you lost him. )

It's D&D, it wasn't ever going to not be nerdy.

[ But yeah, Bruce can read between the lines. ]

Okay. Characters are built around six basic stats, the two I'm talking about are strength and dexterity. Which— So, you've been to a carnival, right? With all the games and everything. Strength is being able to swing the mallet and hit it hard enough to hit that bell at the top. Dexterity is being able to throw the baseball accurately enough to knock over all the milk cans on the first try, or shooting every target at the duck hunt game. That make sense?

Yeah, it makes sense that I'm good at all the games. I'm proficient with every fucking weapon known to man, motherfucker. You think I can't knock over the milk cans AND shoot every target at the fucking duck hunt game?

( Actually, he'd probably prefer that before anything else. No one dies during duck hunt. No one gets hurt. )

...

You wanna find out?

I'll take you to the coolest goddamn fair in Evergreen. I'll win you all the prizes too, Doc.

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