UN: Peacemaker

[suspectratio]

Hey. What the fuck do wolves eat?

Comments

[suspectratio]

You sound like my father.

All right, Goody-Two-Shoes. What's the other option for hanging out when you're like a million miles away?

[hulk]

Librarians work hard, okay, they don't deserve more trouble than they already get.

We could do the eating just. You know. Minus the video part. Just a regular call.

[suspectratio]

But I want to see you.

[hulk]

Trust me, you're not missing out on much.




But how about we see about working up to that. Baby steps. Pretty suree that's what you're supposed to do with meeting people from the internet anyway.

[suspectratio]

So you’re ugly.

It’s cool. I have another ugly friend. You two might get along. Want me to set it up?

[hulk]

...It doesn't really sound like this other guy's your friend.

[suspectratio]

( He doesn't respond for a while. Naturally, he hates Adrian's guts and considers the guy to be the bane of his existence. Equally as naturally, Chris wouldn't be where he is today if it weren't for Adrian; he owes him his life in more ways than one.

But Chris doesn't know what to do with friends. All he knows is how to do is push them away.

He doesn't want to be that person anymore. )

What's your phone number?

[hulk]

[ That's definitely a subject change, and not at all a good one. Bruce should know, he's done a ton of very obvious and painful not-segues and wow, this is worse.

But eventually he does send off a (triple-layer proxy virtual) phone number for Chris with a ding. ]

Fair warning, sometimes it takes a minute for the thing to go through.

[ Again. Triple proxy signal bouncing around. ]

[suspectratio]

( Ring, ring, motherfucker. )

[hulk]

[ Bruce lets it ring a few times to at least pretend that he is somewhere outside the country (see, he's very good at hiding, okay, take that) before flipping the phone open with a sigh. ]

If this is who I think it is, [ not that it could be anybody else because he hasn't given out this number ] then I'm guessing that burger cooked pretty quick.

[suspectratio]

He's my best friend.

( Hello, how are you? This needed to be stated before anything else. )

[hulk]

[ ...Oh. Oh, we're into this immediately. ]

I can't really say I'm an expert on friends or anything, but. Pretty sure that when you like a person and like spending time with them? You don't call them ugly.

[suspectratio]

You think I should call him pretty instead? Isn't that fucking weird?

( It's weird if Adrian is a human, which he's not. It's totally normal to be Chris's Favorite Pretty Boy right now, though. Yes, it is. Yes, it is! )

[hulk]

Th-

[ This is such a leap of non-logic that it legitimately takes Bruce a moment to respond. ]

You realize that...those aren't the only two options? Because aside from the fact that there's way more qualities to people than "pretty" and "ugly", there's even a range between those two things. Most people aren't supermodels, and they aren't Quasimodo — they're in between.

The point is that even if your friend isn't, you know, conventionally attractive like. I don't know, Brad Pitt. [ Brad Pitt is still relevant, right?? Probably. Who knows. ] If you really think of him as your friend, you wouldn't talk about him— Well. Like a high school mean girl bullying him in the cafeteria.

[suspectratio]

Brad Pitt isn't hot.
He's got a lemondrop for a head.

[hulk]

A wh- Is that some kind of slang for....Whatever. Not important.

[ Carefully leading Chris back to topic. ]

Okay, but there's the whole rest of what I was saying about how you shouldn't be a jerk when talking about somebody you like to hang out with.

[suspectratio]

Oh, I know.

I'm fully self-aware and in control of my person at all times. Everything I do is totally fucking voluntary.

Including being an asshole.

[hulk]

That's... You get that that's worse, right? Like it wasn't great when I thought it was just obliviousness but this is way worse.

Most people choose to avoid assholes.

[suspectratio]

Yeah.

( Pause for some bubbles, a hiss of breath, and the sparks of a lighter. )

I know.

[hulk]

[ Ah. ]

Ah.

[ That......adds a definite perspective on this. He doesn't mention anything about the sounds even though, yeah, he definitely knows what that is (he was in various stages of college for like, over ten years, okay, he knows). There's just some sounds of puttering on the other end. ]

Then with that said, uh. [ How to put this. ] You're really not very good at it then, are you.

[suspectratio]

I want people to avoid me. If they get to know me, they'll probably hate me. So. Being an asshole. It makes people laugh and I don't have to go through the part where I gotta be honest with people.

( It's so nice to have someone to talk to. Someone that he'll never meet in real life and therefore will never have to face the repercussions of his admission. He could really hang up the phone and never speak to this person again. And that feels nice. )

What do I do?

[hulk]

You say you want that and you try to be that, but you also kind of. Pouted? When I said we shouldn't do a phone call. Not in any kind of condescending way, that is, just. It's the word that first popped up. And given two seconds, you're already being...very, very honest with me. Even with me being a random stranger potentially calling from Tibet, that's a lot. So that seems like a big difference between what you're saying you want and what you maybe really want.

[ Bruce squirms on this end because this is. He's never really been a big hand for talking, because most people have their own problems and don't need to hear his, and because it's just...not feasible with the way he has to live. But what he's hearing is— It hits a little close to home. The longer people know him, the better odds of disappointing people and letting them down and realizing what a piece of shit he is. So it makes sense, to keep things at a distance so he can only be useful when he needs to be as opposed to what he really is. A burden. A mistake. A fuck-up from cradle to grave except he can't even die properly, can he.

Wow, great thing that this conversation is about Chris, huh. ]

...And maybe being this concerned with people hating you means you aren't that hate-able? Bad people usually don't care that much.

[suspectratio]

Well, yeah. You could have been a hot chick with MASSIVE jugs. I’d be dumb as shit to pass up on talking to someone like that.

( Yes, it is a GREAT thing that Chris is running this show. )

I don’t mind that you’re not, though. You sound pretty cool.

[hulk]

[ He nearly, so very nearly asks how exactly Chris was supposed to hear "jugs" on a phone call without audio but.

Yeah, since Chris has laid out the playbook for him— ]

You're doing it again. The thing where you throw in some real jerk-off thing rather than address what I've said. [ A pause, then: ] Rereading the text conversation, I'm seeing it a lot now that it's there to be looked for.

[suspectratio]

You noticed?? What the fuck, are you actually a real doctor or something?

It's a force of habit, man. It's not really working because you're supposed to laugh, but you're not. Are you the kind of guy who's too cool to laugh even when the nerdy D&D kids are in the cafeteria are sticking popsicle sticks up their nose for your amusement?