UN: Peacemaker

[suspectratio]

Hey. What the fuck do wolves eat?

Comments

[suspectratio]

So you're hiding? Is that it?

[hulk]

To be fair, if I were looking to hide. Would I be answering random questions on the internet? You'd think I'd just be in a hut in Tibet or something. I don't think they have 4G out there.

[suspectratio]

Could be that you're really bad at hiding.

Go to a library. They've got computers with cameras there.

[hulk]

Maybe I'm just old school who doesn't believe in government overreach into the private sector.

I'm sorry, are you suggesting I eat in a library?? That's practically the second biggest rule, otherwise people get cheeto dust and grease on everything. C'mon.

[suspectratio]

You sound like my father.

All right, Goody-Two-Shoes. What's the other option for hanging out when you're like a million miles away?

[hulk]

Librarians work hard, okay, they don't deserve more trouble than they already get.

We could do the eating just. You know. Minus the video part. Just a regular call.

[suspectratio]

But I want to see you.

[hulk]

Trust me, you're not missing out on much.




But how about we see about working up to that. Baby steps. Pretty suree that's what you're supposed to do with meeting people from the internet anyway.

[suspectratio]

So you’re ugly.

It’s cool. I have another ugly friend. You two might get along. Want me to set it up?

[hulk]

...It doesn't really sound like this other guy's your friend.

[suspectratio]

( He doesn't respond for a while. Naturally, he hates Adrian's guts and considers the guy to be the bane of his existence. Equally as naturally, Chris wouldn't be where he is today if it weren't for Adrian; he owes him his life in more ways than one.

But Chris doesn't know what to do with friends. All he knows is how to do is push them away.

He doesn't want to be that person anymore. )

What's your phone number?

[hulk]

[ That's definitely a subject change, and not at all a good one. Bruce should know, he's done a ton of very obvious and painful not-segues and wow, this is worse.

But eventually he does send off a (triple-layer proxy virtual) phone number for Chris with a ding. ]

Fair warning, sometimes it takes a minute for the thing to go through.

[ Again. Triple proxy signal bouncing around. ]

[suspectratio]

( Ring, ring, motherfucker. )

[hulk]

[ Bruce lets it ring a few times to at least pretend that he is somewhere outside the country (see, he's very good at hiding, okay, take that) before flipping the phone open with a sigh. ]

If this is who I think it is, [ not that it could be anybody else because he hasn't given out this number ] then I'm guessing that burger cooked pretty quick.

[suspectratio]

He's my best friend.

( Hello, how are you? This needed to be stated before anything else. )

[hulk]

[ ...Oh. Oh, we're into this immediately. ]

I can't really say I'm an expert on friends or anything, but. Pretty sure that when you like a person and like spending time with them? You don't call them ugly.

[suspectratio]

You think I should call him pretty instead? Isn't that fucking weird?

( It's weird if Adrian is a human, which he's not. It's totally normal to be Chris's Favorite Pretty Boy right now, though. Yes, it is. Yes, it is! )

[hulk]

Th-

[ This is such a leap of non-logic that it legitimately takes Bruce a moment to respond. ]

You realize that...those aren't the only two options? Because aside from the fact that there's way more qualities to people than "pretty" and "ugly", there's even a range between those two things. Most people aren't supermodels, and they aren't Quasimodo — they're in between.

The point is that even if your friend isn't, you know, conventionally attractive like. I don't know, Brad Pitt. [ Brad Pitt is still relevant, right?? Probably. Who knows. ] If you really think of him as your friend, you wouldn't talk about him— Well. Like a high school mean girl bullying him in the cafeteria.

[suspectratio]

Brad Pitt isn't hot.
He's got a lemondrop for a head.

[hulk]

A wh- Is that some kind of slang for....Whatever. Not important.

[ Carefully leading Chris back to topic. ]

Okay, but there's the whole rest of what I was saying about how you shouldn't be a jerk when talking about somebody you like to hang out with.

[suspectratio]

Oh, I know.

I'm fully self-aware and in control of my person at all times. Everything I do is totally fucking voluntary.

Including being an asshole.

[hulk]

That's... You get that that's worse, right? Like it wasn't great when I thought it was just obliviousness but this is way worse.

Most people choose to avoid assholes.

[suspectratio]

Yeah.

( Pause for some bubbles, a hiss of breath, and the sparks of a lighter. )

I know.

[hulk]

[ Ah. ]

Ah.

[ That......adds a definite perspective on this. He doesn't mention anything about the sounds even though, yeah, he definitely knows what that is (he was in various stages of college for like, over ten years, okay, he knows). There's just some sounds of puttering on the other end. ]

Then with that said, uh. [ How to put this. ] You're really not very good at it then, are you.

[suspectratio]

I want people to avoid me. If they get to know me, they'll probably hate me. So. Being an asshole. It makes people laugh and I don't have to go through the part where I gotta be honest with people.

( It's so nice to have someone to talk to. Someone that he'll never meet in real life and therefore will never have to face the repercussions of his admission. He could really hang up the phone and never speak to this person again. And that feels nice. )

What do I do?